My Brush with the Law

Let me set the stage for you...it's Monday night, 9:30pm. My girlfriends from our accountability group left my house at 9. I change into my pjs...shorts and a tshirt...pile my hair on top of my head, and pull out my guitar for a few minutes of out-of-tune-plunking before bed.

Then...a big knock on my front door. Odd, I think...no one usually comes knocking this time of night. I look out the peephole and see nothing. Now I wouldn't normally open the door this late at night because I’ve read the emails that flood my inbox about women who live alone and open the door to a serial killer. But since the girls just left, I wonder if it’s one of them and they accidentally left something at my house, so I open the door.

To my surprise, a cop steps around the corner! And by cop, I don't mean your average, run of the mill policeman. I mean a very big black man with the words "fugitive patrol" embroidered on his uniform. I suddenly find myself very aware of the fact that I did not shave my legs that day (why that’s the first thing I think of, I do not know).

So the giant fugitive patrol man says he's looking for “Gary”, I say I think he has the wrong apartment. He holds up a picture of some guy I've never seen before and I tell him there's no one here by that name.

Then he tells me that “Gary” is a felon, and that giant man has a search warrant and needs to come in. By then every piece of spam email I've ever gotten about men impersonating cops in order to get in women’s house, stop them at gas stations, or pull them over to the side of the road only to take advantage of them suddenly flood my brain. Cue adreneline rush! Uh, no, you can't come in, I say to the giant black man standing at my door. He gets a little irritated and reminds me that he has a search warrant and because this is a felony matter, he doesn't need to stand here and discuss it with me, and as a matter of fact had I not answered the door, he would have kicked it in.

So I explain to him that I will be happy to let him in except that I live alone and I need to know he is a real cop…I think, if he’s a real cop, he would understand this…and I ask if he has a partner so it’s not just me and some strange man alone in my house? In response he tells me, in a way that is subtly meant to inspire fear, that his partner is at my back door. I think to myself, ahh!! There are TWO rapists and they’ve got me surrounded!!! I eye his ginormous muscles, I think to myself that yes, I am in fact superwoman, but I’m pretty sure I can’t take him. However, he has yet to assure me that he is a real officer and not Joe-Rapist off the street.

About this time, officer #2 circles around my apartment to join giant man #1 at the front door, I assume to find out why he hasn’t by this time kicked the door in, guns waving and bullets flying. I repeat why I haven’t let the giant man in, and officer #2 pulls out 2 government IDs along with his badge. I gladly let them in. I wonder, was that so hard??

Officer #1 proceeds to search my house looking for “Gary”, while officer #2 explains all the fabulously wonderful things this Gary had done and why they are looking for him, and apparently he lived in my apartment before I did. By then both officers were very nice and even said they appreciate women’s concern like mine, even though it can get in the way sometimes.

Later that night as I replay the scene in my head, I wondered what would have happened had I not answered the door?? Here I am, a frail and meek little woman, sitting in my pajamas, minding my own business, when giant black man claiming to be a cop breaks my door down!!! I would probably scream, jump to my feet and grab my cell phone, rush to my room and lock my door. As I frantically call 911 and grab the mace off my nightstand, officer #2 would run around to my bedroom window, while giant officer #1 would be working on breaking my bedroom door down because they still assume “Gary” lives here and I am either harboring a fugitive or trying to escape thru the window. Then, hearing the commotion, officer #2 would break thru my window with a Chuck-Norris type karate kick and roll onto my bedroom floor. Giant officer #1 would be through the door by now, and both would tackle me. They would be caught off guard with what a worthy adversary I am and I would definitely maim both of them…but they would win in the end (dude…you should have SEEN his muscles…). They would handcuff me and search the rest of my house for “Gary”, before finally realizing there is in fact no “Gary” here at all. Then they would be embarrassed that they broke 2 doors and a window, attacked an innocent woman, and my cat probably would have run away through the broken door, when all they had to do was check with the apartment complex the day before to see that “Gary” had moved out 6 months ago.

And I would sit there handcuffed, still embarrassed that I didn’t shave my legs that day. Oh…the things I worry about…

Suggestions?

Since February, I have totally changed my lifestyle and eaten healthier and started exercising. This is not because I have some skewed self-image problem and think I am fat and need to lose weight, as most people think whenever a girl says she wants to start working out. I truly want, and need, to live a healthier lifestyle. Weight loss is simply an added bonus. And so far I’m doing pretty good. There’s still plenty of room for improvement, but I can’t begin tell you what a huge difference I’ve seen between February and today. And not just in body shape, but I just FEEL better. I sleep better. I have more energy. It’s greatness.

But here’s the problem I’ve run into and maybe someone out there will have some good advice. I’ve tried to start incorporating running into my cardio workouts, and I’m finding that instead of dropping body fat, I tend to be bulking up my lower body instead. (now don’t get onto me about body fat…like I said, I have no illusions of being overweight or needing to lose weight, but I have no illusions of athleticism either!) After talking to some other women, I’m finding a popular opinion about running…that some people can run and the weight just falls off them, but other people can run and they suddenly become the Incredible Hulk. I’m just wondering why this is. Maybe I have too much protein in my diet? Maybe some particular body types, like mine, just need a different kind of cardio workout, in which case, does anyone have any suggestions? Or maybe this is just God’s way of turning me into Supergirl, because my undiscovered calling is to go Chuck Norris on all bad guys and sexual predators lurking in parking lots and alleyways?

All thoughts and comments welcome.

When you need a smile...

Because sometimes you forget that yes, it could indeed be worse...

As they say in the theatre world...

Well, my season as a small group Hometeam leader has come and gone…last Sunday, after 2 years (exactly!) of being a hometeam leader, I stepped down from my position. It’s kinda weird. I keep thinking things like “oh, I have to be sure to write this in the weekly email” or “I better get with Ross to see when our next planning meeting is” or “we should use that example for the next lesson”…except I don’t have to do those things anymore. And that’s how my brain has always worked…hometeam has always been so close to my heart that it’s never very far from my mind. I could be driving down the road and suddenly think of something I need to do for the hometeam, or be in the middle of work and suddenly have some great idea for the next lesson. Ross knows all about this, because when those random thoughts hit me, guess who gets the first phone call!

I know there are like 3 people who read this blog, but I want to give a shout out to the ever-evolving hometeam that has held such a huge part of my heart for the last 2 years. First of all to Erick…had he not been a hometeam leader himself, and such a selfless servant-hearted one at that, I never would have gotten plugged in to hometeam, to Fellowship Church, and to Christ. He taught me everything I needed to know about becoming a Christ-follower to being a baby Christian to growing up to a woman of God. And to Matt, who taught me what it meant to encourage spiritual leadership, rather than trying to do it all myself! To Amanda, who reminds me everyday what it means to have a childlike faith, and to Brad, who can’t help but instill his contagious hunger and passion for the Lord in everyone he meets. To Jami, who inspires other with her perseverance and persistence thru all obstacles, and to David who always reminded me to laugh. And finally to Ross, my most recent co-leader, and to whom I leave all of hometeam in his ever-capable hands. Of all the leaders I have teamed up with, Ross probably saw me at my worst (well, with the exception of Erick, who saw the pre-Christ Crys!). Ross saw me through those last few months of hometeam…when I was so tired that the last thing I wanted to do was meet up with him to plan the next lesson, and he energized me. When I felt defeated because only a few people showed up to that week’s meeting, and he pointed out all the awesome things I had done. When I just couldn’t figure out God’s will for my role in hometeam, and he was the prayer warrior above all warriors. And when I said I was leaving, he was supportive even though he didn’t like it.

And to everyone else who I didn’t lead with, but rather attempted to lead, either successfully or not, you as well have touched my life. Last Sunday people like Ross and Matt told me how much they learned from me or were influenced by me, but I have to say that anything I may have done to inspire people, the hometeam has given back to me ten-fold. My life has been changed and is improved because of the people I met there. If you go to Fellowship Church and you are reading this blog and not in a hometeam, get in one NOW! (which is unlikely because the 3 people that read this blog are all in my hometeam) My life would never have the abundant blessings of God that it has now without the influence of hometeam, and I am so sad that I am no longer going to be leading anymore, but I know it is of God and because of that his peace surrounds me.

So as my hometeam leader season comes to a close, there’s only one thing left to say…

Aaaaand…scene.

WHAT I love...

Last year me and some friends took a road trip to New York. To pass the time, we made up a game where we all say things we love starting with every letter of the alphabet. So thus begins the game of ‘what I love…’ (not to be confused with the post ‘why I love…’)

A- Aaah…I already can’t think of something for A. We’re off to a good start.
B- Broadway Shows…specifically Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Les Mis.
C- Crys! You say conceit, I say healthy self-image. So there.
D- Duncan! I would say Duncan is my cat, but in reality, I am his human.
E- Emperor’s New Groove, one of the best movies ever! Llamaface!!!!
F- Fried stuff. Chicken. Okra. Mushrooms. Pickles. Who needs moderation?
G- Gum. Less because I love it, more because I need it. Yes, oral fixations abound.
H- Hugs. And real ones, not those sissy side ones.
I- Ice Cream!! Perhaps my biggest vice. Ben and Jerry’s Neopolitan Dynamite. Or Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter and Chocolate.
J- Jesus! (You didn’t think I was going to leave out the Sunday School answer, did you?)
K- Kelly Clarkson. I don’t follow a lot of music but she’s one of my faves. And she’s from Texas so she’s already cooler than most.
L- Laughing. It’s just fun. And you burn calories doing it.
M- Mapquest. Seriously, how did we ever get anywhere before it existed?
N- New York City…the place I would live if it weren’t in Texas
O- Organization. And all the cool bins and containers, notebooks, and labelmakers that go with it. And yes, I am an office supply dork. Show me a desktop organizer and I’ll show you the many wonderous categories of the pen.
P- Playing guitar. I’m currently taking applications for groupies.
Q- Quiet time with God every morning. With my cup of coffee on the patio. Greatness.
R- Red Robin. Mmmmm.
S- Starbucks. Or really, coffee in general.
T- Texas! I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.
U- Underwear. It’s very important people. You shouldn’t leave home without it.
V- Very good workouts. Yes, that counts for V. As much as I hate to say it, I like working out. (but running sucks)
W-Wheat Thins. I will OD on those things.
X- X-Men. Ok I’ve never seen the movie, but I would make a killer superhero, so I figure I would like it if I saw it. (Hey…you think of something you love that begins with x!)
Y- Ok I don’t have anything for Y. Or Z. I was stretching with X. But I’m the only one playing the ‘what I love’ game so I still win. The end.