O Blogger, Where Art Thou? or S'more Better

May17th??? I can’t believe that was my last post. Oh, the shameful blogger that I am. Well, to keep you posted on the life and times of Crys, I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. And in all my camping experiences, the most valuable lessons learned always seem to revolve around the s’more. So should you ever go camping, remember these things…

*Toasting marshmallows is good. Toasting twinkies is bad.

*Always eat dessert first in case of rapture. (ok, this is just a good rule to live by in general). But when camping…if you toast your marshmallows first, THEN use the same stick to cook your hotdogs, you will have a yummy marshmallow-flavored hot dog.

*Do not be deceived by the raccoon who wants a bite of your marshmallow. This is a ruse, do not fall for it. Unless you have enough marshmallows for all the tiny woodland creatures of the forest.

*Should a fly find himself trapped in your bag of marshmallows, do not try to get him out by pounding your fist on the side of the bag. This will only result in the undesirable smashmallow/fly combination.

*Always remember to store the chocolate bars in the cooler…especially when camping in Texas…in June. However, should you forget, it is perfectly acceptable to soak up the melted chocolate with your toasted marshmallow.

*Never try to eat the toasted mallow off the metal stick you just cooked it with.

*Should you drop you mallow on the ground, the 5-second rule does not apply.

*Always splurge on the mallows when camping. Do you realize there are only 90 calories in 4 mallows??? 4!!!

*To torch or not to torch…that is the question. Whether tis nobler to patiently brown your mallow, or take arms against a sea of fire, and by opposing, blacken thy mallow…

Finally, the most important thing I’ve ever learned on a camping trip, is how to IMPROVE the s’more. They said it couldn’t be done. I call it the S'more Better. But I warn you…the secrets I am about to share are not for the faint of heart…

To make your S’more Better…Use your toasting stick to bore a small hole thru the middle of the mallow. Insert the chocolate into the hole, then proceed to toast as usual. Warning…be sure not to burn the chocolate! If you are like me and you prefer your mallows flaming pieces of carbon, this is tricker...but it can be done! However if you are more patient and do not believe in torching your mallow, this will be easier. Once the mallow is toasted, and the chocolate is all melty and gooey, proceed to mash onto the graham cracker and consume as usual. (uh...graham cracker optional)

Why I Love...My Mom!

Welcome to the next installment of ‘Why I Love…”, and today is Why I Love My Mom! My mom is great and here’s why!! (So it’s a few days past mother’s day…something tells me my mom will still enjoy this just as much!)

When I was 1, she sacrificed sleep and sanity just because I whined.

When I was 2, she tolerated endless hours of Sesame Street.

When I was 3 she gave me a new toy…I mean new brother.

When I was 4 she made me a Winnie the Pooh costume for Halloween. In addition to the Butterfly, Minnie Mouse, and Unicorn costumes in subsequent Halloweens after that.

When I was 5 she joined the Sad Mommies Club because I started Kindergarten. It’s true.

When I was 6 she wallpapered my entire bedroom with clouds so it would match my Care-Bear theme.

When I was 7 she made me a Rainbow Brite birthday cake (in an attempt to top the previous year’s Care Bear Cake).

When I was 8 didn’t make fun of my Sally-Jesse-Raphael glasses.

When I was 9 she sat with me for hours on one end of the room while I stood at the other, to prove that when the teacher held up my painting in front of the class that day and made fun of it, no one could have read my name.

When I was 10 she choreographed the greatest talent show skit the world has ever known.

When I was 11 she spent hours learning my algebra homework so she could help me with it.

When I was 12 she bought me braces…and then let me join a hockey league.

When I was 13 she helped me build ridiculous science fair projects…and they all won 1^st place.

When I was 14 she helped me get ready for my first car-date.

When I was 15 she came to all my drill-team dance recitals and contests, even when that meant sitting on hard bleachers through boring hours of other dancers just to see me do the same 2 minute routine for the 15^th time.

When I was 16 she helped my dad surprise me with my first car.

When I was 17 and dumped by my date the day before the senior prom, she helped cheer me up and gave me this really goofy card that said "even though you’re having a bad day, here’s a list of things that could be worse..." and one of them was “your butt could fall off”.

When I was 18 she let me drive to college orientation all by myself…and cried. Then cried again when it was time for me to actually leave for college.

When I was 19 she was there when the “love of my life” broke up with me.

When I was 20 she still sent me Halloween and Easter candy (and she still does to this day!).

When I was 21 she was there when the 2^nd “love of my life” moved away.

When I was 22 she was willing to pay for a Master’s degree at Yale.

When I was 23 she let me convince her to audition for the theatre I worked for.

When I was 24 she let me move back home rent-free when I lost my job.

I love you Mom, thanks for everything!!!

10 Easy Steps To Be Cool Like Me

Brian Bailey recently brought to my attention how everyone wants to be cool like me. I don’t blame you, because I am a cool person. If I were you, I would want to be me.
And because I want you all to live happy and fulfilling lives being cool, here are 10 Easy Steps to Be Cool Like Me…

10. Obsessive-compulsively disinfect your desk and all contents on it at least once a week
9. Learn absurdly cheesy jokes. A good example of this is…There are 2 muffins in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says "Boy, it's hot in here". Then the second muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
8. Organize the clothes in your closet by style (ie sweaters, longsleeve short sleeve, dressy, casual, etc…) then within each style, arrange by color from lightest to darkest. Do the same with your shoes.
7. Ignore what Oprah says…makeup should consist of powder and chapstick. What does she know anyway.
6. Alphabetize everything.
5. Quote “Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail”, “The Emperor’s New Groove”, or “The Princess Bride” as much as possible. This never gets old, and no other movies matter anyway.
4. Declare war on any insect or rodent that dares to enter your house, car, or workplace.
3. Refuse to have anything to do with the color pink in any and all circumstances
2. When in public at respectible places, tear off tiny pieces of your napkin or straw wrapper and roll into little balls creating a small paper-wad arsenal. You friends love it when you throw things at them and they have nothing to retaliate with. And if you're at Red Robin, find things like lemons and parsley and sugar wrappers and leave them in that cardboard box by the ketchup. See if they're still there the next time. Waiters love that...I swear.

And the number one way to be cool like me….Be as dorky as possible in any and all situations, and ignore anyone who makes fun of you for it.

Why I'm Moving to Vegas

A handful of us here at work recently took a trip to Vegas. It didn’t take long for me to come to one conclusion….for some reason, I’m hotter in Vegas! And I don’t say that egotistically….I have many witnesses who can back me up on this phenomenon of multiple men just...staring. So this was a running joke for a few days, and I wondered why on earth it seemed so many men took notice of me there more than anywhere else. Shoot, I thought, I’m moving to Vegas!!

Then I realized…..everyone’s drunk in Vegas.
Ahhh....now I get it. :)

I've Been Thwarted

That’s right, I used the word thwarted. Last week I was sufficiently thwarted. It all started when I tried to put down a deposit on a new apartment…

Last Wednesday afternoon I found an apartment I really liked. Problem was, it was a little more expensive than I wanted to pay. I was hoping to keep all my bills within 60% of my income, and this new apartment would make all my bills use up 65%. I debated and debated about this all day, and talked to a lot of people who I consider smart with their money and they all agreed that to have a variance of 3-5% here or there would be ok, in fact normal. So I faxed the application and decided to take the plunge.

Later that night there was a big storm, and the news threatened hail. So I moved my beloved truck to my parent’s barn, where it would be safe. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

The next morning, I still felt a little uneasy about the whole apartment thing. So in my quiet time, I told God that I was planning to go to the complex that morning on my way to work to put down the deposit, but if for any reason I was not supposed to commit to this apartment, to please “thwart my efforts”. Now, I don’t know who uses the phrase “thwart my efforts”…but I did.
Fast forward to an hour later…my mom drives me down the back alley to the barn where my truck is parked. We turn the corner find half a tree blocking our way, it had been knocked over from the storm the night before! We had to get out and take 10 minutes to move the tree out of our path! Keep in mind we are both on our way to work, and it’s still wet and raining. So she drives me the rest of the way to the barn and drops me off, and leaves for work. I get in my truck, drive out of the barn, and immediately get stuck in the mud. I’m not talking just a little stuck, I’m talking the mud was up to the running boards! And yes, I’m still in my work clothes and heels. So I try getting some momentum and rocking back and forth to get out of the mud. Nothing. I get out and grab some boards to stick under the tires. Still nothing. I call one or two friends who may or may not have time to give me a hand, and only one of them can show up in a few hours, but not before. I seriously consider hijacking the tracker, also stored in the barn, to pull the truck out. I was actually sitting in the tractor, fingers on the ignition, when I pictured all the things that could possibly go wrong with this plan. I give up.
So I walk back up to the house, in my work clothes and heels, in the rain. When I get to the house, I find my parent’s puppy has broken out of her crate and has proceeded to play in the wet bushes and muddy puddles. So 15 minutes and a few choice words later, the puppy finally gets back in the crate.
I go back in the house and suddenly realize…I’ve been thwarted. Knocked down trees, immobile trucks, and muddy puppies have all been pawns in God’s Master Thwarting Plan!! I can’t believe it, but yes, I’ve definitely experienced a divine thwarting.

*Note: Through yet another series of not-so-coincidental events within a few hours of all this happening, I found a place I like even better, and the rent just so happens to bring my total bills to exactly 60% of my income. Coincidence? I think not…