Why I Love...My Mom!

Welcome to the next installment of ‘Why I Love…”, and today is Why I Love My Mom! My mom is great and here’s why!! (So it’s a few days past mother’s day…something tells me my mom will still enjoy this just as much!)

When I was 1, she sacrificed sleep and sanity just because I whined.

When I was 2, she tolerated endless hours of Sesame Street.

When I was 3 she gave me a new toy…I mean new brother.

When I was 4 she made me a Winnie the Pooh costume for Halloween. In addition to the Butterfly, Minnie Mouse, and Unicorn costumes in subsequent Halloweens after that.

When I was 5 she joined the Sad Mommies Club because I started Kindergarten. It’s true.

When I was 6 she wallpapered my entire bedroom with clouds so it would match my Care-Bear theme.

When I was 7 she made me a Rainbow Brite birthday cake (in an attempt to top the previous year’s Care Bear Cake).

When I was 8 didn’t make fun of my Sally-Jesse-Raphael glasses.

When I was 9 she sat with me for hours on one end of the room while I stood at the other, to prove that when the teacher held up my painting in front of the class that day and made fun of it, no one could have read my name.

When I was 10 she choreographed the greatest talent show skit the world has ever known.

When I was 11 she spent hours learning my algebra homework so she could help me with it.

When I was 12 she bought me braces…and then let me join a hockey league.

When I was 13 she helped me build ridiculous science fair projects…and they all won 1^st place.

When I was 14 she helped me get ready for my first car-date.

When I was 15 she came to all my drill-team dance recitals and contests, even when that meant sitting on hard bleachers through boring hours of other dancers just to see me do the same 2 minute routine for the 15^th time.

When I was 16 she helped my dad surprise me with my first car.

When I was 17 and dumped by my date the day before the senior prom, she helped cheer me up and gave me this really goofy card that said "even though you’re having a bad day, here’s a list of things that could be worse..." and one of them was “your butt could fall off”.

When I was 18 she let me drive to college orientation all by myself…and cried. Then cried again when it was time for me to actually leave for college.

When I was 19 she was there when the “love of my life” broke up with me.

When I was 20 she still sent me Halloween and Easter candy (and she still does to this day!).

When I was 21 she was there when the 2^nd “love of my life” moved away.

When I was 22 she was willing to pay for a Master’s degree at Yale.

When I was 23 she let me convince her to audition for the theatre I worked for.

When I was 24 she let me move back home rent-free when I lost my job.

I love you Mom, thanks for everything!!!

10 Easy Steps To Be Cool Like Me

Brian Bailey recently brought to my attention how everyone wants to be cool like me. I don’t blame you, because I am a cool person. If I were you, I would want to be me.
And because I want you all to live happy and fulfilling lives being cool, here are 10 Easy Steps to Be Cool Like Me…

10. Obsessive-compulsively disinfect your desk and all contents on it at least once a week
9. Learn absurdly cheesy jokes. A good example of this is…There are 2 muffins in the oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says "Boy, it's hot in here". Then the second muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
8. Organize the clothes in your closet by style (ie sweaters, longsleeve short sleeve, dressy, casual, etc…) then within each style, arrange by color from lightest to darkest. Do the same with your shoes.
7. Ignore what Oprah says…makeup should consist of powder and chapstick. What does she know anyway.
6. Alphabetize everything.
5. Quote “Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail”, “The Emperor’s New Groove”, or “The Princess Bride” as much as possible. This never gets old, and no other movies matter anyway.
4. Declare war on any insect or rodent that dares to enter your house, car, or workplace.
3. Refuse to have anything to do with the color pink in any and all circumstances
2. When in public at respectible places, tear off tiny pieces of your napkin or straw wrapper and roll into little balls creating a small paper-wad arsenal. You friends love it when you throw things at them and they have nothing to retaliate with. And if you're at Red Robin, find things like lemons and parsley and sugar wrappers and leave them in that cardboard box by the ketchup. See if they're still there the next time. Waiters love that...I swear.

And the number one way to be cool like me….Be as dorky as possible in any and all situations, and ignore anyone who makes fun of you for it.