Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Celebrity Death Match

Inspired by the comments of my previous post, I have decided to arrange a Celebrity Death Match between Ryan Seacrest and Jack Bauer. Fortunately, this blog provides the exclusive play by play! The contenders are in their corners and the crowd is wild with anticipation...are you ready to ruuuummmbbblllleeee????

ROUND ONE
The bell rings and Ryan's eyes are immediately straying to the hot ladies in the front row. Focus, Ryan, focus! Jack's lightning quick reflexes take advantage of this and immediately go for Ryan's only weapon, his microphone. Jack is beating him over the head with it, and now he's..he's trying to strangle Ryan with the cord! And now Ryan is prying himself free by attempting to scratch Jack's eyes out, but wait...Jack just grabbed Ryan by his frosted tips and...what is he doing? Oh no! Jack just shoved the entire microphone up Ryan's nose!! Round One goes to Jack Bauer, folks!

ROUND TWO
Ryan is back in the game, and he wants vengence for his beloved microphone. Nobody touches Ryan's microphone...or his prefect tresses, for that matter. Ryan is...wait, he's getting out of the ring? What is he doing? He's going into the audience and...its...its...its William Hung! Ryan is bringing him into the ring and...oh god, William's singing!! Jack is covering his ears and is obviously weakened. William is still singing and now he's...oh folks, this is terrible...gyrating! Jack is howling in anger and agony, but he's still not out. So Ryan is leaving the ring again...what this time? He's bringing...who is that...it's Simon Cowell! He's bringing Simon Cowell into the ring, and now Simon is mentally harrassing Jack! Jack is on his knees, covering his ears against William and Simon, and now Ryan is starting to tell unbeliveably bad jokes!...William is getting louder and let me tell you folks, those hips don't lie...Simon continues to insult him and Ryan makes worse and worse jokes...and now Jack is on the ground...one...two...three...and the round goes to Ryan!!! Unbelievable folks, Ryan Seacrest has brought Jack Bauer to his knees! Who would have ever thought William Hung's voice had the power to bring down the inconquerable Jack Bauer??

ROUND THREE
And Round Three has begun, it all comes down to this, folks! Jack and Ryan are face to face, mano-a-mano, man versus...well, Ryan. And Ryan is charging Jack! But Jack just stiff-armed Ryan and now he's holding Ryan's forehead as Ryan swings with both arms trying to punch him! It looks like Ryan is starting to lose a little steam. He's stepping back, looks like he's trying to think of a new plan of attack. Wait...Jack is walking right towards him...Ryan backs up...he's against the ropes and Jack keeps advancing towards him, this could be it, folks! But wait, what's going on here? It looks like Jack is simply standing in front of Ryan, staring him down. He's not moving a muscle! Ryan is beginning to shake...and Jack seems to be giving him some kind of evil eye! What could Jack have up his sleeve? He continues to stare and...and...unbelievable! Ryan just fell to the ground and Jack didn't even touch him! It seems Jack Bauer has the ability to kill people with a single glimpse!!! And here's the ref...yes, it's official! Ryan is out cold, Jack has won! What a match, folks, what a match! And if everyone will draw their attention to the jumbo-tron, we will now play the song "So You Had a Bad Day" and reply slow-motion moments of Ryan's pathetic loss.

We'll see you next time folks, on Celebrity Death Match!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Standing Strong

About this time last year I started watching a little-known tv show on Tuesday nights, you've probably never heard of it. I never watched any of the other seasons because I was, and still am, morally opposed to such frivolity.
But last season, I thought it would be entertaining to watch the auditions. It was. After the auditions were over, I had little interest in watching the rest, but alas, my entertainment-savvy best friends were totally into it, so I took part in the weekly watching parties so I could heckle to my heart's content.
Unfortunately, the blood-sucking corporate machine masquerading under the title of "American Idol" succeeded in sucking in yet another Ryan-Seacrest-tolerating drone...me...and thus the addiction began.
Yes, I watched every week. Yes, I yelled at the tv, and often the voting public of America. Yes, I voted for Taylor and yes...I went to the concert. And you know what, I loved it. And I hate that.

But this year...I'm standing strong against American Idol. I refuse to fall victim to it's commercial fabrications and sacrifice not one, but TWO nights a week to it's broadcast just because I am addicted to the manufactured emotion and scripted drama of only semi-talented musicians and one drunk Paula Abdul. I won't do it. It won't suck me in. I don't care how much tension Ryan Seacrest can prolong over two solid hours. I'm standing strong.*

*What is not noted here is my undying addiction to 24, which does indeed occupy exactly one hour a week of my precious time, and to which no amount of non-violent, let-the-terrorists-live kind of rehab could change.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Just My Opinion

Guys, valentines day (or what I like to call "Single Awareness Day") is less than a month away. Do you have a crush on a girl that you want to ask out? Please, oh please, let me give you some advice. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances, ask her out in an email. OR a text message. The phone is barely acceptable. Be a man and ask her out in person...if she's as great as you think she is, she deserves it. Asking a girl out over the computer or text message is a cop out. You've just failed at your very first task as her potential future boyfriend...which does nothing to boost her confidence that you will have the courage it will take to actually BE her future boyfriend. And don't beat around the bush till she asks you out, either. Step up and be a man! My personal philosophy is that I don't care if you are Brad Pitt, if you ask me out in an email or text message, the answer is no. And I guarantee that any other girl worth your time will be similarly disappointed if you do.
Just my opinion.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Blog ADD

I've written too many long posts lately and my brain is tired. Soooo...

I like bread.
Mmmm...bread.

That concludes today's post.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Everyday Miracle

My recent life of utter chaos and disorder that masqueraded itself under the title of "Christmas" has come and gone, and now that I've had time to sleep and get back to my everyday life of somewhat less chaos and more order, you have the pleasure of hearing my thoughts about it.
Ok perhaps I am being a little dramatic with the phrase "utter chaos and disorder" but it did get pretty darn busy and ridiculously stressful for a while there. But, glutton for punishment that I am, it was also pretty fun. I had a lot to do with the preparation of the Grapevine Christmas services, but I was also the production manager for our Alliance campus, and it was really exciting to do something new and different and so much bigger than anything they've ever seen at that campus before. You know me...I can't do anything halfway, so it was go big or go home out at the Alliance campus! (Yes, that's also my shout-out to Ryan Mordecai...) And in the final 24 hours before the service, of course my eyes saw all the things we could or should have done better or wish we had time for. But my prayer that week (well, one of the many) was that God create the service HE truly wanted created for that campus, and not the one I wanted. And in the end, that was exactly what he did. It was amazing to see God's work on the service that we, as humans, could produce. We did our best, which frankly, in my eyes, was not good enough. But something happened between the very last run-through at 9am that morning and the very first service at 10. We took it as far as we could take it, and then the Holy Spirit stepped in and took it to the next level, where He wanted it to be. If you had been there, you would have seen it too.
In addition, never once did he leave my side that week, and there is no explanation other than the absolute power of the God that sustained me through it all. Every morning before the sun rose I surrendered the day to Him and simply praised Him for everything, good or bad, and every night with only a few hours before I had to get up again, I marveled at how He had come through that day.
While this was my first Christmas at Fellowship, or for that matter in ministry at all, I was expecting it to be difficult and for the spiritual warfare to be at full tilt. But for some reason what I didn't expect was the greatness of God to pervade it all! I mean knew he would be there, I knew we would all get through it, but the physical evidence of his hand on my life, and on the lives of my coworkers around me all trying to accomplish the same goal, for some reason I didn't expect and it just blew me away every day.
I've been involved with shows that all you try to do is get through the week, get the show up, and survive. I guess that's what I expected to do this Christmas...survive. But I did so much more than survive, I thrived! Yes, I was pretty wiped out by the time it was over, but the point is I succeeded! I was victorious! And the best part, it had nothing to do with me!
Going forward, it is my prayer that we can all offer that same surrender and praise every day, regardless of the circumstances. And after that, to not just know that God is capable of the Old-Testament miracles that we believe in our heads but maybe doubt could actually happen today, but instead to believe with our hearts, expect even, in the everyday miracle. And by "everyday", I don't mean insignificant or mundane or routine, but the miracles that happen everyday that we don't even notice. For example, the fact that the thousands of speeding missles we call cars doesn't happen to hit yours today. The fact that I woke up this morning and didn't have to take a single medication or pill to sustain any failing health. The fact that after my last heartbeat, there's another one after it that I never even thought about. Or after my last breath, there's another one after that, too. Everyday miracles.
I had every reason to look at the negative and throw in the towel that week. But those everyday miracles were so bright and obvious to me, Satan's attacks were irrelavent. I hope that challenging circumstances won't be the only thing that brings the everyday miracle to my attention, but now that I am reminded they are there, I will continue to see them and live a life in complete surrender and praise to the one who made them!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Basic Truths about Jack Bauer

1) Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
3) If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
4) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
5) If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.
6) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
7) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
8) Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
9) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
10) Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
11) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
12) Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
13) Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
14) Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
15) Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
16) When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
17) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
18) Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
19) Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
20) When Jack Bauer pees into the wind, the wind changes direction.
21) Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
22) When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
23) You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
24) Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
25) When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
26) Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
27) In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
28) Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
29) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
30) What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
31) Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
32) If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
33) People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
34) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
35) Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
36) Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
37) When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
38) It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
39) Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
40) Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Disclaimer...oh, I wish I wrote this, but no, instead I shamefully stole it from another blog in order to save my own blog from being un-funny. If Jack Bauer had a blog, he'd do it too.

Monday, January 08, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

Ok, so it's a week after New Years, but that just means that you've had plenty of time to come up with your resolutions by now. I have to be honest, I had a hard time coming up with mine. Last year's was easy...the cliche "lose weight and get in shape, start living a healthier lifestyle...". But surprisingly enough, I really succeeded in keeping that one! Problem is, now I can't use it this year. And I don't think "go on a date" can really count as a resolution. So it took me some time to think about what I really wanted to improve on over the next year, but here's what I came up with:

1) Continue healthy lifestyle habits, and try to be as successful this year as I was last year in keeping up with it! That includes working out at a minimum of 4 days a week, but 6 on a regular basis, and of course eating healthy 6 days a week (hey, you gotta have a cheat day in there for pizza and ice cream!!)
2) Journal more. I don't mean 'dear diary' journals, I mean prayer journals in my quiet time. I used to do this all the time but seem to have fallen away from it, and I want to get back in the habit.
3) Not only READ God's word more, but also STUDY it more. I am notorious for finding great Christian self-improvement books for quiet time, but never opening the word. I need to make a point to get back into the word, but also to STUDY it. Of course going back to school will help with the study part.

So what are YOUR resolutions?? I want to hear them!! First of all because it's fun to get comments on my blog...but also so I can steal the good ones for myself...muh-ah-ah.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Return of Blog

Yes, that's right, the greatest show on earth has returned!! Since my last post, we created this magical, beautiful, amazing encounter with God that we called a Christmas service. According to our pastor, there were 18 billion services. While there were one or two fewer than that, it was pretty close and it's taken us pretty much every waking moment, and many non-waking moments, since Thanksgiving to get it off the ground. More posts to come about that later!

In other news, my good friends Todd Baker and Adelita Gonzales, for those of you who know them, got engaged and have the best story about how a beautiful diamond ring was anonymously provided to them through the hand of God! They will be getting married at the beginning of May.
I also bought my first washer and dryer over the holiday! You may not think that's very exciting, but trust me, it is! It's almost like I'm a grown-up. I also got a new tv for Christmas and while I don't have cable, my fabulous rabbit ears from Kara now pick up an amazing 15 channels! And some additional Spanish ones to boot. And finally, you may notice that I am on vacation...at home...writing this blog...which means after multiple years without, I finally have internet access in my home!! It's like it's 2007 or something.
Also, grad school begins January 17th. I'm only taking one class (hey, it's been a while...I gotta ease my way back into the school thing!) and it's called "Intro to Theology". I'm really excited about it, I've always been a student at heart and to show you what a nerd I am, I got really excited when my textbooks arrived and I've already started reading them. (I know what you're thinking...what I REALLY needed for Christmas was a pocket protector...)
And finally, my mom had surgery this weekend, please keep her in your prayers! It was yesterday morning and all went as planned and she should be able to come home on Monday, but she has 6 weeks of recovery ahead of her where she's not allowed to do ANYthing, including drive!

Now that your caught up, this blog will resume posting it's regularly scheduled musings.