20. Always be ready to play.
19. Take time to stop and eat the flowers.
18. Don’t you dare say you have a treat unless you do.
17. Climb your way to the top…that’s why the curtains are there.
16. Trust in earned.
15. Sometimes it’s just more fun to drink from the faucet.
14. Just say no. No, I don’t want to play fetch and no, you cannot sit where I am lying.
13. Display your butt proudly and often.
12. No matter how old you are, if you cope an attitude with mom, you need a time-out.
11. Curiosity never killed anything except a few hours.
10. Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face.
9. When in doubt, nap.
8. When it’s hot, find cool places to sleep, like the bathroom sink.
7. Being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
6. If someone says ‘no’, ask someone else. Then someone else. And then someone else. Eventually some human being will say yes.
5. When you are happy to see someone, stretch up your arms and ask to be picked up. If that fails, falling down and looking cute works too.
4. Love is unconditional.
3. If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard until you do.
2. If you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it will work.
1. Being cute and fuzzy will get you far, but not quite as far as a giant vomit powered space ship.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I am Outraged!!
So I turn on the tv last night at precisely 9:45, all ready to watch my all time favorite tv show Friends, after missing it all week while on vacation (which is also why I haven’t updated the blog in a while). As I finally get to sit down and relax for the first time all day, I wait patiently for the only half hour of television that has the capacity to bring joy to my dreary life. 10:00 rolls around and just as I’m about to start humming to the “I’ll be there for you” theme song…something awful happens!!! I am not met with the delightful tunes of the Rembrandts, but rather some other plunky jingle starts playing instead, and the words “Sex in the City” flash across the screen. What is this!?!?! What has happened to my dear Friends?!?!?! Surely I have the wrong channel. I pick up my remote and flip a few channels just to be sure. NOPE!! My Friends have been replaced by some girly-let’s-talk-about-sex-and-wear-pink tv show. This is not acceptable!!
I immediately pick up the phone and call my actual best friend, Kara. Who, by the way, I love because when she picks up the phone and all I say is “What is this crap?” and she knows exactly what I’m talking about because she too, was met by the same plinky-plunky theme song. She has no answers for our tragic loss.
So we hope that perhaps it was just bumped to the next time slot. So I boycott this Sex-in-the-Silliness and turn back at 10:30. Alas, Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh the despair. I must wait until 11:00 before my Friends meet me again. Oh, the anguish, misery, and gloom!!! 11:00pm??? What has happened to this world that a person can’t watch Friends until 11:00pm!!! The universe is misaligned!! The stars are askew!! My life is reduced to a Friend-less rubble.
I am outraged (along with great gnashing of teeth) that the WB could expect its devotees to completely rearrange their lives around what can only be described as a misguided programming schedule. Isn’t it enough that the show has been cancelled? Can’t you grant us the reruns at a reasonable hour?! Someone’s getting a letter, that’s all I have to say about that.
(Disclaimer …I would never exaggerate the seriousness of this situation, nor the dreariness of my actually fabulous life just for the sake of humor and comedic timing…and I have no actual aversion to Sex in the City, I’m sure it’s a very good show…I’ve never actually seen it…it’s just unfortunate enough to take the slot of my beloved Friends and therefore shall take the brunt of my wrath…)
I immediately pick up the phone and call my actual best friend, Kara. Who, by the way, I love because when she picks up the phone and all I say is “What is this crap?” and she knows exactly what I’m talking about because she too, was met by the same plinky-plunky theme song. She has no answers for our tragic loss.
So we hope that perhaps it was just bumped to the next time slot. So I boycott this Sex-in-the-Silliness and turn back at 10:30. Alas, Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh the despair. I must wait until 11:00 before my Friends meet me again. Oh, the anguish, misery, and gloom!!! 11:00pm??? What has happened to this world that a person can’t watch Friends until 11:00pm!!! The universe is misaligned!! The stars are askew!! My life is reduced to a Friend-less rubble.
I am outraged (along with great gnashing of teeth) that the WB could expect its devotees to completely rearrange their lives around what can only be described as a misguided programming schedule. Isn’t it enough that the show has been cancelled? Can’t you grant us the reruns at a reasonable hour?! Someone’s getting a letter, that’s all I have to say about that.
(Disclaimer …I would never exaggerate the seriousness of this situation, nor the dreariness of my actually fabulous life just for the sake of humor and comedic timing…and I have no actual aversion to Sex in the City, I’m sure it’s a very good show…I’ve never actually seen it…it’s just unfortunate enough to take the slot of my beloved Friends and therefore shall take the brunt of my wrath…)
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
How I Saved Kara's Life
You may or may not know that I am actually a superhero. My latest adventure occurred this weekend. It was a Sunday night, though not particularly dark or stormy. I was headed home from seeing the movie “Brothers Grimm”, so naturally I was in a vanquish-all-evil, protect-the-innocent kind of mood. I got a call from a damsel in distress. It was Kara, and she was being held hostage in her own apartment by a menacing pink gecko. I had heard of the viciousness these geckos can behold, but never experienced their wickedness myself. Underneath their transparent scales lie sharp, poisonous fangs and large talons. Never take these tiny geckos lightly. Hang on Kara, I’m on my way!
I immediately made a sharp u-turn and headed to the nearest red phone booth where I could dispose of my glasses and change into my Supergirl tights. I leapt back into my car and hit the panic button, where it immediately morphed from normal, everyday car to a suped-up fighting machine, and sped to Euless, a known hotbed for sinister geckos.
Fearing I may be too late, I dashed up the stairs to her apartment…never fear, Supergirl is here! Fortunately she was able to dodge the infamous fangs and talons until I had arrived. She handed me a Tupperware container and some newspaper to fight the evil that is gecko. One might think those are not very superhero-like weapons, but not for Supergirl. Supergirl is resourceful and needs not the fancy gadgets or powers those other Hollywood-heros need. Supergirl relies on her strength, speed, and ingenuity to fight provocative pests. (And of course a little help from the boss man up in Heaven HQ, every superhero needs a little supernatural power!)
I scaled Kara’s dangerous coffee table and couch, neither of which doing much for my element of surprise, and skillfully made a pass at the dexterous reptile, but he evaded my brawny Tupperware. I skirted his treacherous talons by grace alone, and Kara feared for my life. I strategically shifted positions and tried again. The Tupperware slowly floated over him, getting closer and closer to ensnaring the gecko….when…ah ha! The gecko was suddenly surrounded by the plastic prison of justice. I slid the newspaper underneath and he knew he must surrender.
He was tried for breaking and entering with intent to kill with treacherous fangs and talons, and he was found guilty. However, since this was his first offense, his life was spared, and he was instead released to fend for himself against the cats and raccoons of the wilderness.
I tipped my hat to Kara who was still in awe of my superhero prowess, and drove off into the sunset as I put my glasses back on and changed back into my civilian t-shirt and jeans, ready to face another day, the world free of one more dangerous gecko. My work here is done.
I immediately made a sharp u-turn and headed to the nearest red phone booth where I could dispose of my glasses and change into my Supergirl tights. I leapt back into my car and hit the panic button, where it immediately morphed from normal, everyday car to a suped-up fighting machine, and sped to Euless, a known hotbed for sinister geckos.
Fearing I may be too late, I dashed up the stairs to her apartment…never fear, Supergirl is here! Fortunately she was able to dodge the infamous fangs and talons until I had arrived. She handed me a Tupperware container and some newspaper to fight the evil that is gecko. One might think those are not very superhero-like weapons, but not for Supergirl. Supergirl is resourceful and needs not the fancy gadgets or powers those other Hollywood-heros need. Supergirl relies on her strength, speed, and ingenuity to fight provocative pests. (And of course a little help from the boss man up in Heaven HQ, every superhero needs a little supernatural power!)
I scaled Kara’s dangerous coffee table and couch, neither of which doing much for my element of surprise, and skillfully made a pass at the dexterous reptile, but he evaded my brawny Tupperware. I skirted his treacherous talons by grace alone, and Kara feared for my life. I strategically shifted positions and tried again. The Tupperware slowly floated over him, getting closer and closer to ensnaring the gecko….when…ah ha! The gecko was suddenly surrounded by the plastic prison of justice. I slid the newspaper underneath and he knew he must surrender.
He was tried for breaking and entering with intent to kill with treacherous fangs and talons, and he was found guilty. However, since this was his first offense, his life was spared, and he was instead released to fend for himself against the cats and raccoons of the wilderness.
I tipped my hat to Kara who was still in awe of my superhero prowess, and drove off into the sunset as I put my glasses back on and changed back into my civilian t-shirt and jeans, ready to face another day, the world free of one more dangerous gecko. My work here is done.
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