Celebrity Death Match

Inspired by the comments of my previous post, I have decided to arrange a Celebrity Death Match between Ryan Seacrest and Jack Bauer. Fortunately, this blog provides the exclusive play by play! The contenders are in their corners and the crowd is wild with anticipation...are you ready to ruuuummmbbblllleeee????

ROUND ONE
The bell rings and Ryan's eyes are immediately straying to the hot ladies in the front row. Focus, Ryan, focus! Jack's lightning quick reflexes take advantage of this and immediately go for Ryan's only weapon, his microphone. Jack is beating him over the head with it, and now he's..he's trying to strangle Ryan with the cord! And now Ryan is prying himself free by attempting to scratch Jack's eyes out, but wait...Jack just grabbed Ryan by his frosted tips and...what is he doing? Oh no! Jack just shoved the entire microphone up Ryan's nose!! Round One goes to Jack Bauer, folks!

ROUND TWO
Ryan is back in the game, and he wants vengence for his beloved microphone. Nobody touches Ryan's microphone...or his prefect tresses, for that matter. Ryan is...wait, he's getting out of the ring? What is he doing? He's going into the audience and...its...its...its William Hung! Ryan is bringing him into the ring and...oh god, William's singing!! Jack is covering his ears and is obviously weakened. William is still singing and now he's...oh folks, this is terrible...gyrating! Jack is howling in anger and agony, but he's still not out. So Ryan is leaving the ring again...what this time? He's bringing...who is that...it's Simon Cowell! He's bringing Simon Cowell into the ring, and now Simon is mentally harrassing Jack! Jack is on his knees, covering his ears against William and Simon, and now Ryan is starting to tell unbeliveably bad jokes!...William is getting louder and let me tell you folks, those hips don't lie...Simon continues to insult him and Ryan makes worse and worse jokes...and now Jack is on the ground...one...two...three...and the round goes to Ryan!!! Unbelievable folks, Ryan Seacrest has brought Jack Bauer to his knees! Who would have ever thought William Hung's voice had the power to bring down the inconquerable Jack Bauer??

ROUND THREE
And Round Three has begun, it all comes down to this, folks! Jack and Ryan are face to face, mano-a-mano, man versus...well, Ryan. And Ryan is charging Jack! But Jack just stiff-armed Ryan and now he's holding Ryan's forehead as Ryan swings with both arms trying to punch him! It looks like Ryan is starting to lose a little steam. He's stepping back, looks like he's trying to think of a new plan of attack. Wait...Jack is walking right towards him...Ryan backs up...he's against the ropes and Jack keeps advancing towards him, this could be it, folks! But wait, what's going on here? It looks like Jack is simply standing in front of Ryan, staring him down. He's not moving a muscle! Ryan is beginning to shake...and Jack seems to be giving him some kind of evil eye! What could Jack have up his sleeve? He continues to stare and...and...unbelievable! Ryan just fell to the ground and Jack didn't even touch him! It seems Jack Bauer has the ability to kill people with a single glimpse!!! And here's the ref...yes, it's official! Ryan is out cold, Jack has won! What a match, folks, what a match! And if everyone will draw their attention to the jumbo-tron, we will now play the song "So You Had a Bad Day" and reply slow-motion moments of Ryan's pathetic loss.

We'll see you next time folks, on Celebrity Death Match!